Things in Rissaland have been really crazy lately. I feel like every aspect of my life has crashed down around me and then built back up and then crashed again, just in the last 72 hours. There are so many people that I want to help and be there for and have a positive impact on and I'm not sure that I'm accomplishing that with anyone.
Seeing as I refuse to emote about my personal life in this blog I'm instead posting something that I love and that makes me think and that I didn't write. The following was written by my Summer Anne and I hope she doesn't mind my posting it. (You don't......do you?) The first time I read this I really needed to read it and I feel like I really need to read it today and I feel like some of you guys might feel that way too.
a little salt
A boy we’ll never know who’s locked himself in a cabin says what we’ve been trying to for years now: “I told you to be patient; I told you to be fine; I told you to be balanced; I told you to be kind. Now all your love is wasted? Then who the hell was I? Now I'm breaking at the britches and at the end of all your lines” Yeah, that’s it. There’s a mistake I make all the time in which I think that if you love a song that’s in the same shape as my heart, you might start to understand me a little along the way. It never works out like that. Music is just music, and that time I waited was wasted.
The asphalt on my feet and my phone hot on my ear asks “why don’t anyone’s relationships ever work?” I wish I had an answer to that question that isn’t one of the same things we’ve said a dozen times. I wish I had the answer she wants to hear. On the other side of town and the other side of my conversation, blue eyes fill with tears and Willie Nelson sings along.
Later, Hamilton Leithauser sings a Leonard Cohen song I’d forgotten. It goes “We swore to each other that our love would surely last. You kept right on loving me and I went on a fast. Now I am too thin, your love is too vast.” At least Hamilton and Leonard know what they have done. The weight of it all shows up in their eyes. Look for it.
“Why does it matter so much?”, someone asks or wants to. Someone who can fill up all the empty space inside of them by themselves, with words and pictures and songs and video games and ice cream. We reply or want to: it matters because we are vessels and we are water. We want to drink, and we want to be drunk. We are parched, and we are flooding. We have love that will replace the blood in our veins and stop our heartbeat if we can’t breathe it into someone’s mouth soon.
“Elliott says that most men just can’t be as committed as the women in relationships and that’s why it doesn’t work.” Thanks, Elliott. We all figured that out when our dad’s were gone on business for our entire lives, and the first time our first loves looked past our eyes when we were speaking and fixed on a foreign body, and we figured it out when we got left & left & left & left.
We wish we could love the rare exceptions, but it never works out that way because the world is too mean. The truth is that they’re out there. Way past the love we examine every day and all of the endings that make us wring our hands and tearducts, there’s a small army of boys who want us. They aren’t the ones we chose. When they’re asleep, we don’t stay awake staring and imagining ways for them to wake up to the world they want to live in. They’re just asleep, and soon enough we are too. When we kiss them because of whiskey, our bodies don’t change and the world doesn’t spin. When we try to explain, we’re sad -- but only because it reminds us of you (and you and you), and your explanations or lack-of.
We speak of silver linings. “Once you’ve had your heart broken once – really broken – no one can ever hurt you like that again.” But then you walk around in my brain for awhile and it all the knobs I’d switched to off get turned on again and suddenly we’re back where we started. It’s like you’re born over and over again every day, week, or year. You’re less beautiful each time around but my chest tightens it’s grip around my heart just the same and I’m too tired to notice anymore All I can do is love you, love you, love you, over and over, like a rat towards an electric current. Loving him is loving you five years ago. Loving you is loving you five years ago. Waking up is loving you five years ago.
They’re all the same. They’re not as special as we think they are, but writing that down feels like a lie and it won’t ever feel true. They could all be better than they are and they never will be. They will all miss us someday and be unable to figure out that they don’t have to. They won’t love anyone any more than they loved us, but that’s meaningless because they’re broken and the love they have to give is weak and pitiful.
When they are bored or lonely enough someday, they will take a pale photocopy of what they had with us to the altar. We ask them to call us up and let us have that chance, but the world doesn’t work that way and all we get in response is a distant stare -- someone we love’s eyes fixed on a wall that represents the future they don’t want us in because it’s all become too difficult and love isn’t supposed to be difficult. Except that it is.
It’s all arbitrary and meaningless. We find each other and we talk about it until our throats hurt, we talk to boys we pretend could replace you, we talk about those boys and encourage each other to pretend, and then we go home alone where we find you in a song or a computer screen or a memory. We lay down with it and we hold on. Sometimes we send words into space and hope that you’ll read them and hold on to them and maybe we’ll feel it somehow. Really we’re just vibrating on your bedside table, quivering and shaking like the night you left us, and you’re ignoring it, wincing, looking and looking away, dreaming of something bright and new.
“You deserve better,” says every boy who ever walked away.
“If I deserve better, why can’t I have you?”
“…”
The sun started coming out just as I was finishing this. The cheesy faux-significance of that is breaking my heart.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Baking is the best thing ever, today.
I've always been sort of fickle with my hobbies. And when I say always, I do actually mean for my entire life. Or at least as much of it as I can remember. As a little kid I would get whole-heartedly INTO one thing or another (playing teacher, dumpster diving, swimming, having cats) and it would be absolutely everything to me for about a week. Then on to something else. Collecting Garbage Pail Kids cards, Barbies, Christianity, whatever. I consider it to be one of my more endearing/frustrating qualities.
As an adult I tend to do the same thing. One week all I care about in the world is drawing pictures, the next week it's taking pictures, the next week it's reading as many books as possible, the next week it's reading about diseases on the internet. You get the idea. In fact, if you know me at all you don't even need that description. You're probably all too familiar with this business. It keeps things interesting but it also tends to make me into an unreliable collaborator and it frustrates my vague plan to someday parlay one my personal passions into a career.
That said, this week I remembered that I love to bake. When Summer and I were living together we baked a lot. She was a good baking muse and she tends to be a little more consistent with her pastimes than I do. But since I've branched out on my own I haven't really done that much baking, barring the obligatory holiday and special occasion stuff. While visiting my parents last weekend it was brought to my attention by my mom and my new beau that although my baking is often discussed he has never experienced it and my mom hadn't experienced it in quite some time. This lit the proverbial fire under my ass and ever since getting back to Austin all I seem to want to do is bake. The dreary weather we've been having also fuels that desire pretty well.
So far this week I've made the cupcakes you see up there and the cookies you see down there. The cupcakes start with my favorite chocolate cupcake recipe and have dark chocolate truffles in the center and cream cheese frosting with fresh slices of sugared plums on top. The plums + the dark chocolate ended up equaling pretty much complete gustatory perfection. The cookies are a variation on my christmas cookie recipe. I got the recipe from a master bakestress named Mia in Victoria, B.C. The christmas version are bite sized coffee flavored shortbread cookies with espresso infused dark chocolate on top. Since I have a pact with myself to only make those cookies for christmas (it's important to have arbitrary rules) I had to sort of freestyle them this time. I sweetened the shortbread recipe up some and then made a cinnamon vanilla cream cheese frosting for the tops. The resulting cookie tastes something like a really fattycaked out snickerdoodle. A snickerdoodle infused with shame. Delicious shame.
My next endeavor will be the little darlings you see below. I had one at Rio Rita awhile back and told Summer about them. She made them and they were a huge hit with everyone who ate one. This did not include me.......I'm just saying. *ahem* Anyway, I'm excited to take a crack at them. It's basically just a yellow cake with the fruit part of the orange mixed into the batter and then poured back into the hollowed out orange peel. Word on the street is that it's actually a campfire recipe, which is unassailably cool. I, however, will be baking them in a regular oven under a roof.
So......if you're into eating baked goods now is a good time to hang out with me. And if you have fun recipes pass them along.
BAKING!!!! Hell YES!!!!
As an adult I tend to do the same thing. One week all I care about in the world is drawing pictures, the next week it's taking pictures, the next week it's reading as many books as possible, the next week it's reading about diseases on the internet. You get the idea. In fact, if you know me at all you don't even need that description. You're probably all too familiar with this business. It keeps things interesting but it also tends to make me into an unreliable collaborator and it frustrates my vague plan to someday parlay one my personal passions into a career.
That said, this week I remembered that I love to bake. When Summer and I were living together we baked a lot. She was a good baking muse and she tends to be a little more consistent with her pastimes than I do. But since I've branched out on my own I haven't really done that much baking, barring the obligatory holiday and special occasion stuff. While visiting my parents last weekend it was brought to my attention by my mom and my new beau that although my baking is often discussed he has never experienced it and my mom hadn't experienced it in quite some time. This lit the proverbial fire under my ass and ever since getting back to Austin all I seem to want to do is bake. The dreary weather we've been having also fuels that desire pretty well.
So far this week I've made the cupcakes you see up there and the cookies you see down there. The cupcakes start with my favorite chocolate cupcake recipe and have dark chocolate truffles in the center and cream cheese frosting with fresh slices of sugared plums on top. The plums + the dark chocolate ended up equaling pretty much complete gustatory perfection. The cookies are a variation on my christmas cookie recipe. I got the recipe from a master bakestress named Mia in Victoria, B.C. The christmas version are bite sized coffee flavored shortbread cookies with espresso infused dark chocolate on top. Since I have a pact with myself to only make those cookies for christmas (it's important to have arbitrary rules) I had to sort of freestyle them this time. I sweetened the shortbread recipe up some and then made a cinnamon vanilla cream cheese frosting for the tops. The resulting cookie tastes something like a really fattycaked out snickerdoodle. A snickerdoodle infused with shame. Delicious shame.
My next endeavor will be the little darlings you see below. I had one at Rio Rita awhile back and told Summer about them. She made them and they were a huge hit with everyone who ate one. This did not include me.......I'm just saying. *ahem* Anyway, I'm excited to take a crack at them. It's basically just a yellow cake with the fruit part of the orange mixed into the batter and then poured back into the hollowed out orange peel. Word on the street is that it's actually a campfire recipe, which is unassailably cool. I, however, will be baking them in a regular oven under a roof.
So......if you're into eating baked goods now is a good time to hang out with me. And if you have fun recipes pass them along.
BAKING!!!! Hell YES!!!!
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
All around from far away across the world.....
oh.my.god!!!!!!!!!!
Life things have been crazy for me lately and my friend Jen sent me this today to cheer me up a little. What I assume she didn't realize was that somehow I completely missed any kind of news that there were even plans to MAKE a movie of Where The Wild Things Are. This is the best surprise I've had in a LONG time. I know I'm not even close to alone when I say that this was my VERY FAVORITE book when I was little. I think it's at least in most peoples' top three. That doesn't diminish the feeling that it is MORE important to me than it is to other people. That's the great thing about having all-time favorites. They always feel like they're more your favorite than they've ever been anyone else's. I still have the same copy of Where The Wild Things Are that I had when I was five years old. It has actually belonged to Braedyn for the past 6 (almost 7) years. It's falling apart and the pages are yellowed and it smells great!! And now there's a MOVIE!!!! A Spike Jonze directed movie with a screenplay by Dave Eggers (!!!!) and it stars Catherine Keener, Paul Dano, James Gandolfini, and Forest Whitaker!!!!!
This is a great day to be me. This is a great day to be anyone.
This day is brought to you by exclamation points!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Life things have been crazy for me lately and my friend Jen sent me this today to cheer me up a little. What I assume she didn't realize was that somehow I completely missed any kind of news that there were even plans to MAKE a movie of Where The Wild Things Are. This is the best surprise I've had in a LONG time. I know I'm not even close to alone when I say that this was my VERY FAVORITE book when I was little. I think it's at least in most peoples' top three. That doesn't diminish the feeling that it is MORE important to me than it is to other people. That's the great thing about having all-time favorites. They always feel like they're more your favorite than they've ever been anyone else's. I still have the same copy of Where The Wild Things Are that I had when I was five years old. It has actually belonged to Braedyn for the past 6 (almost 7) years. It's falling apart and the pages are yellowed and it smells great!! And now there's a MOVIE!!!! A Spike Jonze directed movie with a screenplay by Dave Eggers (!!!!) and it stars Catherine Keener, Paul Dano, James Gandolfini, and Forest Whitaker!!!!!
This is a great day to be me. This is a great day to be anyone.
This day is brought to you by exclamation points!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, March 20, 2009
There's a tiny house by a tiny stream where a lovely lass had a lovely dream.
Oh oh oh oh oh!!!!!!!!!!
If you know anything at all about me you know that I love TINY THINGS!!! Seriously, anything in miniature. Dresses, food, toys, instruments, animals, people. Small, smaller, smallest!!! So imagine my complete and utter joy when I came across Tiny Texas Houses. Seriously, look at the gallery. LOOK AT THESE HOUSES!!!! The brainchild of Austinite Brad Kittel, these things are amazing! The website is pretty informative and gives you a lot of reasons, outside of an overarching love of tininess, why owning one of these homes is a great idea. These houses are the perfect answer to the insanity of sprawl. They are made almost entirely from salvaged material, they are simple, they are personal, and they are ridiculously beautiful. And they are TINY!!!! I feel like all I'm capable of doing right now is daydreaming about my tiny house. I've always loved looking through architecture books that feature small houses. And the little displays they have in IKEA stores that are all "living well in under 300 sq. ft." and suchlike. But these houses, these Tiny Texas Houses aren't some concrete and brushed steel love letter to the future. These are gorgeous, soulful little pieces of heaven. I want one, I need one, I WILL have one and you're all invited for dinner. One at a time.
Damn, this is so exciting!!
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Let's go get the shit kicked out of us by love!!
Okay....yes.....blerg! I know, i know, i know....just stick with me for a second. I went to a wedding over the weekend and now I've got weddings down in my soul. My lovely friends Claire and Tommy tied the knot on Saturday and it was super fun! Of course, I'm not too hard to please in this respect because I completely LOVE weddings. And more than that wedding receptions. And more than that open bars. But even in light of my predisposition to love weddings in general theirs was great.
Much to my chagrin though, weddings tend to get me all "Love Actually'd" out. I used to feel kind of pissed about how hearts and stars they made me feel but these days I just sort of roll with it. My hand to god, my marrying days are over but there is no better kind of fun than daydreaming about how you would go about trumping the wedding scene from Love Actually. You know the one.....
yep, that one. In case you count yourself among the poor, hard-hearted souls that haven't seen this movie, the scene plays as such. Vows, kiss, smile, low and behold a great many people in the audience have instruments and break into All You Need Is Love (all of this having been orchestrated by the best man who is secretly in love with the bride who is Keira Knightly who is terrible but who cares). Not being able to do it justice in description I'll just say that it is only TOTALLY AWESOME! To be perfectly honest I could write a pretty long love letter to Love Actually and mean every single word of it. The movie got brought up during this wedding and in a shocking upheaval of all I thought I knew I was informed that one of my dear girlfriends does NOT love this movie. In fact she hates it. Kind of a lot. Normally my ears would just close to any kind of hating that anyone might want to do on Love Actually but this a friend whose opinions and taste I have a lot of faith in, so I listened. And dear readers, for a short but terrifying period of time I thought maybe I hated Love Actually too. Ack! Not true. I will say that having these following things pointed out to me stung....it really did sting.
* Alan Rickman's May/December office romance is terrible and not very believable and just kind of gross.
* Emma Thompson is supposed to be younger than Hugh Grant (is that true? time for a re-watch)
* Hugh Grant as the Prime Minister. ahem.
* Laura Linney's character never gets laid.
* Hugh Grant as the Prime Minister.
*Keira Knightley in general.
There were more, I've blocked them. But ya know, at the end of the day, at the end of pretty much any day I'll watch Love Actually and I will fucking totally love it. Because it's great and I'm a spaz. And without hope or agenda my wasted heart will love you, Love Actually, until you look like this
And since I know you're all wondering, the moment in my imaginary wedding that will totally bring the house down will be after the vows/kissy face part and my robot husband and I turn around and right then the OK Go version of This Will Be Our Year kicks in and everyone has simultaneous heart attacks. The good kind. I love that idea. Don't steal it. Seriously, I will mess you up.
Did I just write an entire pretty lengthy blog post about Love Actually? Yes I did. And what?
Monday, March 9, 2009
Staple 2009!!!!
Oh dear readers,
What a crazy weekend. For simplicity's sake we'll just say that it was all around amazing. Friday night was uneventful in the traditional sense but I did get to take a bath in a HUGE bathtub which is not my normal bath situation. My back is still giving me a lot of trouble so laying in a bathtub that makes you feel like a baby and reading comics and eating good food and sleeping a really long time was exactly what was called for.
moving on to what you all came to hear:
Saturday Summer, Jen, Paul, Braedyn and I went to Staple!!!! It was seriously, seriously THE MOST fun. There were lots of great comics and zines and great makers of comics and zines. I discovered a couple of new favorites. Namely Meaghan Rosales, whose comics I completely adore. I bought one of her mini books and now wish I would have picked up a couple more. She has a smart, wry, self deprecating sense of humor that is immediately infectious and her loose, personal drawing style is completely endearing. She is also, by chance, the girlfriend of my friend and ex-BP co-worker Manfred. So, that's cool too. I also discovered and really liked Neil Brideau. His characters are AMAZING! Lots of robots and animals and big-eyed children. He has a scratchy, frenetic, dense drawing style that makes me want to spend a lot more time with my pens and his stories are funny and sweet and weird and just great great great. I also especially liked him because he traded me one of his comics for a page out of my sketchbook. TRADESIES!!!!!!! ilovetrading!!!!
but it doesn't stop there:
Jeffrey Brown was in attendance so we got to see him speak and we got to meet him and he drew us some pictures and he signed our books and he talked to us a lot and he was incredibly nice and personable and exactly what you want people whose work you really like and respect to be like, should you ever meet them in person.
the crowd to see him speak was pretty small, by anyone's standards. that did mean that there was a lot of time for questions and instead of shying away like I normally would in that kind of situation I went ahead and asked my question. Two of them actually. But not before Braedyn, whose hand was in the air as soon as they opened the floor to questions. His question to Mr. Brown?
Braedyn: "Do you like monsters?"
J. Brown: "Yes.....i mean, kind of.......sometimes. Unless they're really scary. I mean, no.....monsters aren't real. Is that what I should say?"
Hilarious. Braedyn and Jeffrey Brown also talked at some length about how Braedyn is an artist and the value of keeping a sketchbook and also a little about Transformers. He signed my copy of Little Things, which as per my awesome plan, I gave to Paul. He's been reading it on my suggestion and REALLY liking it. It is the first autobiographical graphic novel he's ever read so it's not just like discovering a new author/artist you like, it's discovering a whole new genre. I totally remember that feeling and how life changing it seemed. I don't really know how much it ACTUALLY changed my life but it sure seemed like it was going to. It's a nice feeling to get to introduce someone you really like to something you know they're going to really like. The people who first introduced me to all of my favorite comics are so so so important to me (Summer Anne!!), and it's great to get to be that for someone else.
It was such a great way to spend a Saturday. More than anything it was just inspirational to see all of these great people writing and drawing their stories and then just getting them out into the world. It's easy to forget the the only things you really need to publish yourself are a copy machine, a stapler, and something to put down on paper. It's nice to be reminded of that. So, thanks Staple, thanks comics, thanks Jeffrey Brown. Maybe by this time next year I'll have my own table.
*gulp*
What a crazy weekend. For simplicity's sake we'll just say that it was all around amazing. Friday night was uneventful in the traditional sense but I did get to take a bath in a HUGE bathtub which is not my normal bath situation. My back is still giving me a lot of trouble so laying in a bathtub that makes you feel like a baby and reading comics and eating good food and sleeping a really long time was exactly what was called for.
moving on to what you all came to hear:
Saturday Summer, Jen, Paul, Braedyn and I went to Staple!!!! It was seriously, seriously THE MOST fun. There were lots of great comics and zines and great makers of comics and zines. I discovered a couple of new favorites. Namely Meaghan Rosales, whose comics I completely adore. I bought one of her mini books and now wish I would have picked up a couple more. She has a smart, wry, self deprecating sense of humor that is immediately infectious and her loose, personal drawing style is completely endearing. She is also, by chance, the girlfriend of my friend and ex-BP co-worker Manfred. So, that's cool too. I also discovered and really liked Neil Brideau. His characters are AMAZING! Lots of robots and animals and big-eyed children. He has a scratchy, frenetic, dense drawing style that makes me want to spend a lot more time with my pens and his stories are funny and sweet and weird and just great great great. I also especially liked him because he traded me one of his comics for a page out of my sketchbook. TRADESIES!!!!!!! ilovetrading!!!!
but it doesn't stop there:
Jeffrey Brown was in attendance so we got to see him speak and we got to meet him and he drew us some pictures and he signed our books and he talked to us a lot and he was incredibly nice and personable and exactly what you want people whose work you really like and respect to be like, should you ever meet them in person.
the crowd to see him speak was pretty small, by anyone's standards. that did mean that there was a lot of time for questions and instead of shying away like I normally would in that kind of situation I went ahead and asked my question. Two of them actually. But not before Braedyn, whose hand was in the air as soon as they opened the floor to questions. His question to Mr. Brown?
Braedyn: "Do you like monsters?"
J. Brown: "Yes.....i mean, kind of.......sometimes. Unless they're really scary. I mean, no.....monsters aren't real. Is that what I should say?"
Hilarious. Braedyn and Jeffrey Brown also talked at some length about how Braedyn is an artist and the value of keeping a sketchbook and also a little about Transformers. He signed my copy of Little Things, which as per my awesome plan, I gave to Paul. He's been reading it on my suggestion and REALLY liking it. It is the first autobiographical graphic novel he's ever read so it's not just like discovering a new author/artist you like, it's discovering a whole new genre. I totally remember that feeling and how life changing it seemed. I don't really know how much it ACTUALLY changed my life but it sure seemed like it was going to. It's a nice feeling to get to introduce someone you really like to something you know they're going to really like. The people who first introduced me to all of my favorite comics are so so so important to me (Summer Anne!!), and it's great to get to be that for someone else.
It was such a great way to spend a Saturday. More than anything it was just inspirational to see all of these great people writing and drawing their stories and then just getting them out into the world. It's easy to forget the the only things you really need to publish yourself are a copy machine, a stapler, and something to put down on paper. It's nice to be reminded of that. So, thanks Staple, thanks comics, thanks Jeffrey Brown. Maybe by this time next year I'll have my own table.
*gulp*
Friday, March 6, 2009
until we all make it.
Happy Friday Everybody!!!!!
You know how, for no real reason, some days just sort of shape up for you. Every normal little thing you do feels special or hilarious or important or awesome. Every thing looks like it was lit professionally. This is that kind of day for me. Reason? Well, dear reader, let me break it down for you:
* I'm working, but everyone else is out of town or has the day off. It's weird but it's not not fun.
*
i changed my relationship status today. ahem.
* Bradders and I are both working in offices so we're playing office games. Particularly fax games. Facts fax games. And we made file folders for our facts faxes. If you don't think faxes are funny you are wrong.
* Staple is this weekend and Jeffrey Brown is in town for it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
* Yesterday I went swimming for this first time this year, went to softball for the first time this year and had a conversation with a boy that I really like. The kind where it seems like something bad is going to happen and really something crazy good happens.
* I put pictures up on Flickr for the first time in awhile. And that always feels good. Always.
* I've spent my whole day listening to Maritime, which is a band that I LOVE and that I had sort of forgotten to love lately.
Have a great weekend, readership. Seriously. You better do it.
You know how, for no real reason, some days just sort of shape up for you. Every normal little thing you do feels special or hilarious or important or awesome. Every thing looks like it was lit professionally. This is that kind of day for me. Reason? Well, dear reader, let me break it down for you:
* I'm working, but everyone else is out of town or has the day off. It's weird but it's not not fun.
*
i changed my relationship status today. ahem.* Bradders and I are both working in offices so we're playing office games. Particularly fax games. Facts fax games. And we made file folders for our facts faxes. If you don't think faxes are funny you are wrong.
* Staple is this weekend and Jeffrey Brown is in town for it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
* Yesterday I went swimming for this first time this year, went to softball for the first time this year and had a conversation with a boy that I really like. The kind where it seems like something bad is going to happen and really something crazy good happens.
* I put pictures up on Flickr for the first time in awhile. And that always feels good. Always.
* I've spent my whole day listening to Maritime, which is a band that I LOVE and that I had sort of forgotten to love lately.
Have a great weekend, readership. Seriously. You better do it.
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